Making a few little fixes

Just like in the bad old days, when we all were hanging out on alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die, real life occasionally gets the best of any of us. That’s why there’s not been a lot of work done on updating, modernizing, and theming the site. That said, I wish my excuse were exams this time… *sigh*.

Anyway. I’ve done a bit of a kludge which allows you to view all the fiction and RPG resources in the old site’s design. They’re all linked in the headers on the top of the page. Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to return to the home page from there, but the navigation between pages inside the old site is decent. Besides, the front page is just this blog. You don’t really want to be reading this boring blog, do you?

Anyway, gotta go. Our cat shapeshifters have shifted into their animal forms and are chasing each other all over VR headquarters. The mayhem is causing some grief and, somehow, I’m the one who drew the short straw to deal with it. Hopefully, I’ll be back sooner this time.

storms off “ARI! LETO! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!”

It’s been a long time…

For all you Barney haters out there, we hope to have things up and running very soon now. It’s been quite a long time, and we’ve decided it’s time to do a bit of ahem technological maintenance. Don’t expect anything new — if newness shows up, we’ll let you know. In the meantime, the elf is slacking again. Gotta deal with him…


The Archivist is pleased to report that thanks to the efforts of Forum user DopefishJustin, we have the following new stories to add to the Archive:
In the Non-Jihad Stories collection, a complete version of Son of Barney.
In the Operation Phoenix archive, the following stories:
Stabbing Westward, pt. 1
A Gathering of Hosts
Battle’s Dawn
Keep on Truckin’
Battle’s Day
Into the Madness, pt. 1
Into the Madness, pt. 2
Battle’s Eve
Also, thanks to Forum member (and the first real new member of the Jihad in a dog’s age) Elana, the Jihad Universe 2.0 section now sports the ever popular Operation: Mmmmm… Sprinkles.
Thanks for all the help, guys.

Coming Soon

[Graphic: The following PREVIEW has been approved for ALL AUDIENCES. The film
advertised is NOT YET RATED.]
[TITLE CARD: August 27, 2004]
It has come to my attention that there
is a terrorist organization operating
with impunity within the borders of the
United States. They call themselves the
Jihad, and they’re extremely dangerous.
FADE IN to the Oval Office. President JACK GROVER and Homeland Security
Secretary WILLIAM LAFONTAINE are in a meeting. GROVER is holding a thick
You heard me, Billy. I want you to round
these people up. Use whatever you have to,
FBI, CIA, ATF, whatever. But I want them
in jail or dead as quick as you can.
I… yes, sir.
[Music: Clint Mansell “Requiem for a Dream” (or the trailer music for “Lord of
the Rings: The Two Towers” if you prefer)]
[TITLE CARD: August 30, 2004]
SCENE: Federal agents in full body armor, SWAT backup, etc. storm into a large,
modern office building. They run through the corridors, up the stairs and so on
until they reach the top floor office. They halt, all pointing their weapons at
the chair behind the desk.
CLOSE-UP: The chair slowly turns to reveal DR. JONATHAN FNORD, wearing his best
Architect “I am superior to you in every way” expression.
Is there something I can do for you,
EXT. SPIRAL BUILDING, LONG SHOT: The top five floors of the Spiral Building
explode in a towering column of flame.
SCENE: A team of FBI agents push their way through a hostile crowd on Sproul
Plaza at UC Berkeley. Suddenly, the crowd turns on the agents, and shots ring
out. All hell breaks loose. KATZE BRENNER hides from the rushing crowds and the
cops by ducking into a steam tunnel.
KATZE (v.o.)
They *knew*. They knew *where* to
find us.
SCENE: RENS HOUBEN and JOSEPH LACROIX ambush a federal paddywagon at a toll
plaza in the greater San Francisco Bay area. Scene ends when RENS, standing on
the aforementioned paddywagon, gestures and several approaching police cars are
lifted several feet off the ground simultaneously.
KATZE (v.o)
They knew *when* to find us. We only
got out by dumb luck.
SCENE: Generic military command center.
The President has authorized the use of
nuclear weapons against the terrorists.
Nuclear weapons!? Against a target on
American soil!? He can’t be serious, can
I don’t know.
But those are our instructions.
SCENE: A *very large* number of bombers and fighter escorts flying in formation
over the Rockies towards Blanca Mountain.
KATZE (v.o.)
We’ve got to find out why America just
declared war on us.
SCENE: Somewhere with a view in Lower Manhattan. MALACLYPSE THE SEEKER is
holding presidential advisor ROMAN MARX up by the lapels.
What the hell have you done? TELL ME!
(terrified, yet oddly triumphant)
HE’S COMING! The Master is coming back!
You only have days to live, Jihaddi! The
Great Act of Love will sweep over the Earth,
and you can’t stop it!
BARNEY (v.o.)
(heavily distored)
Hello, alll my old friends! I’m baaaaack!
SCENE: Intense air combat action on the slopes of Blanca Mountain.
SCENE: Chaos in the streets as protestors, police, National Guard, and
spongified slaves of Barney clash all at once.
SCENE: The Magnificent Twelve Jihaddi cannoning up for the fight. Shot of the
Barney-Slayer being pulled out of storage.
Well, time to go save the world again.
SCENE: CECROPS TANGAROA doing his gun-fu thing against a horde of lizardmen
dressed like Secret Service agents.
BARNEY (v.o.)
I love you…
SCENE: DIEDRE GREIST, equipped with a robot that looks like a BattleTech mech by
way of Junkyard Wars, engages in a running… well, plodding gun battle with
Federal agents
BARNEY (v.o.)
You love me…
SCENE: An atomic mushroom cloud blooms on the surface of Blanca Mountain. The
shockwave causes dust to fall down in the base.
BARNEY (v.o.)
We’re a great big family…
SCENE: Two dragons, one blue as shimmering sapphires, one black as night, (ARIS
MERQUONI and SHADUR T’KHARN, respectively) soar out of the skies above the White
house, cross in front of the camera and come to a synchronized landing on the
lawn, roaring menace and defiance in the general direction of the West Wing.
[TITLE CARD: This time, the whole world is watching…]

Archives Update

The Jihad To Destroy Barney proudly presents the first story in the Jihad Universe 3.0 cycle.
On An Uneventful Morn tells the story of the sudden withdrawl of B’harne’s forces from Earth in 1999, and the end of the Jihad as we knew it. Featuring cameos by almost everybody who ever was considered a character in the Jihad Universe.
This is the first part of an extended series, and picks up again with Calm Before, the first story in Jihad Universe 3.0: The Return of Owsen, set five years later.

A plaintext version of the Jihad Universe RPG is also now available on the Roleplaying page.

Is This Thing On?

“Can you hear me now?”
Welcome to a minor revision of the Jihad to Destroy Barney’s homepage.
We’ve moved from the fairly static front page to a system based on the all-powerful Movable Type blog engine. This way we can provide nice and simple and clean updates, news, and whatnot without having to upload silly-ass amounts of code every damn day.
No, you don’t have to worry. We will not be using this space as a blog under any circumstances. The sole reason we changed over was to ensure that we could provide visitors with information about changes to the page instead of burying the changes elsewhere on the site.
Comments, suggestions and slander about the changes are welcome at our message board.
–The JWeb Management Team